I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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