Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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