He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
