i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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