Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You ruined the universe
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
