i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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