I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
