with your own penis?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
