I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
