im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
