I CAN MOONWALK!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
don't judge my taste in strippers
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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