Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
