I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
