Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
