It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
