Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
