Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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