I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
