we're chasing vodka with high fives
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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