Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
no you cant smoke seaweed
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
