Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
