Pants 0. Shit 1.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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