i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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