OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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