the condom got lost in my hair
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
