dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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