my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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