i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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