Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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