you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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