in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
