Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
