masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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