You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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