I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So many bounce houses so little time
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
