I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize