I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
