just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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