on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So squirting runs in the family.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize