I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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