mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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