I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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