Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
