I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
