Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
