4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
