I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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