Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
