some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize