I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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