i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
