I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
