david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
