Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
