I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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