awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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