Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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