I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
