Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
