I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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