life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You were trust falling into bushes
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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