WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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