I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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