Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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