I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
