your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
sarcasm needs its own font
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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