I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Randomize
