So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
