My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
