I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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