i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
