i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
