What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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