I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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