I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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