Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
