His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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