Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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