i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was born a porn star she said
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
