at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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