btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
